It’s been a while again …but February was a bit challenging, mental health wise. Lots of ups and downs, and everything in between.
Which is yet another reason why I withdrew into my happy fandom bubbles to keep me grounded and afloat at the same time. Yes, I know, there are things happening around the globe that are much more important than Yours Truly’s escapisms, but y’all know what? I am too wiped to care. As I had stated in my previous post: it started affecting my mental health too much at some point.
Fast forward to the end of February and something was said which hit home.
I know, folks are entirely sick of me by now with the still ongoing Tomsession and still love to hate on the man, but y’all … he dropped something that had me all “YES! THIS!” over here.
In short, he received the David O Selznick achievement award which is essentially a lifetime achievement award from the Producers’ Guild of America (PGA) and the man goes and delivers an acceptance speech that was SO spot on that I had the proper chills. I mean, first thing I did the day after the PGA awards thing? Hopped over to YouTube and watched his speech. Because that is how we do it in this house!
So he’s there, all emotional, and talks about the people who helped him getting a foot in the door there in Hollywood, who were by his side and encouraged him on his way to superstardom. So far, so good. But then …he spoke about filming in South Africa and how he came in touch with the “Ubuntu philosophy” there.
Ubuntu, in short, means that humanity is rather plural than singular: a “we” rather than an “I”.
He finished it by saying “I am because you are.”
Meaning, without those who believed in him, he wouldn’t have made it.
And that?
Hit home. Totally.
Because without those people who are in my corner – and especially were there when I broke down in 2010 -, who still believe in me even when I loathe myself, when I am struggling, who keep cheering me up, rooting for me, all that … I am not sure if I’d have made it.
Back in 2010, when I hit Rock Bottom, I was absolutely DONE with life. I was on auto-pilot and only functioning. And I paid the price. Fucked up sleeping pattern, severely depressed, anxiety / panic attacks, and a left arm covered in thin red lines because I had just cut myself again. Just to be able to FEEL again, as I was dead inside. I was a complete wreck.
And yet, people still believed in me. They weren’t ready to give up on me, even if I was a shadow of myself. As a result, I put up the fight as well. I convinced my mind which was running amok that I wasn’t ready to leave – and to this day, I believe that there was a little something that held me back from completing that last step. I am not sure what it was. Just something. An unknown force.
Now, some 13 years later, I still have phases when I just want to be left alone because depression reared its extremely ugly head again and came back to bite me in the ass. But fortunately, it’s not been as terrible again as it was back then. And I know perfectly well whom to talk to (aside from my doc, that is) when shit hits the fan.
People who won’t turn away when I need an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on. Or who won’t downplay it whatsoever.
People who are there for me, back me up, help me pull through.
I am because you are.
Yep.
That one resonated with me a whole lot.
And if I should ever get to meet Tom Cruise, I am going to thank him personally for saying those five words. Because I can relate to them more than I could ever put into words.
******
pic: tomcruisefan.com
Ocean Soul 