Reason To Stay

Last month, I had made my merry way back to my old stomping grounds, a small, tiny village in the Middle of Nowhere, surrounded by woods, hills, fields and lots of nature. I lovingly call this place “Wilderness” because there is legit nothing else going on.

The trip there was obviously to see the family again, as well as my little godson. I hadn’t seen my little man in half a year, couldn’t make it for his Birthday back in April because of the current Shit Show that is the pandemic, so I of course had an extra big reason to travel there. He always keeps asking when I will come for a visit again, or he suggests that he and my Mom could drive to Berlin in her car to visit me. It’s just so freakin’ ADORABLE!

He doesn’t see me often, only for a couple of days every couple of months, so he could very well decide he doesn’t want anything to do with me or that I am nasty and not worthy of his attention at all, an intruder whatsoever. But no, he loves his Auntie. I mean, I can’t blame him, I am pretty darn cool, haha! It’s always a HUGE riot with him when I come for a visit, because I do all those silly things with and for him, and if it’s just rocking a Playmobil helmet while we’re playing construction site. At times we do video calls via Whatsapp as well, so that he can at least see me from afar.

And as per usual, I had brought two certain furry friends whom he loves as well, because first of all, I don’t go anywhere without my teddy bears, and secondly, he kind of asks me to bring them with me. He legit makes sure that I have them with me.

Once, I was visiting and had just woken up from a nap, blanket up to my nose, when he came in. “Is she there?” he asked my Mom, and she replied, “Yes, she is.” He came running to the living room where I was sleeping, saw me, but no furry friends in sight – and he had legit requested that I bring them.
He gave me a very concerned look, “Teddies?” because he couldn’t see them since they were hidden underneath the blanket. So I lifted the blanket, teddies visible, his eyes lit up and “TEDDIES!” I swear, those two are a total highlight for him. There are soooooo many stories this little boy and I have shared so far, and he’s only turned 4 in April.

Yeah, I am entirely besotted with him. There.

This time around, we had plenty of fun again as well. He was lying next to me on the couch, one day after I had rolled in, when I said, “Heeeeeere comes the Tickle Machine!” He cracked up and said, “Ever since you have arrived, I am having so much fun!”
Seriously? Whom of y’all is cutting onions in here??

One fine Sunday morning, my Mom, the two boys (he’s got an older brother who had just turned 10 a couple of days before I came for my visit) and Yours Truly went for a little walk, and on the way back home, I said I wasn’t feeling too well anymore, therefore, I’d head straight home, while the three of them wanted to check something out in a nearby creek. I hadn’t gotten very far when he came running after me, shouting my name. I told him to slow down, so that he didn’t trip. And then, all of a sudden, there’s his little hand in mine. As you can see on the photo. He then said, “I think it’s so nice that you’re here today!”

Excuse me while I sob. Really, that was SO cute, I felt my heart burst. A little human being loves his “Godmother from the Big City” (that was the term his Mom used when I was asked if I was up for it …) and, moreover, seems to really trust me. It makes me so freakin’ HAPPY, too.

This cute little moment still makes me smile. And even more so, it makes me realize how fucking GLAD I am to still be alive. It’s been 10 years almost to the date now that I woke up and was dead inside and spiralled downwards faster and faster. Hopeless and broken.

Now, all those years later, I am really thankful that I get to enjoy every single moment I have with this little boy. That he loves me, even though he doesn’t get to see me all too often. But from what I understand I am one of his “reference people”. Which is illustrated by the fact that he so often asks when I was going to come for a visit again. It makes my cold, dead, black heart sing how much he loves me. It’s good for my soul, too.

Yes, he can be tiring as well, just like kids that age are. But at the end of the day, the moments we both are laughing, or when we’re just having a good time playing, walking side by side, all that – they outweigh that by far.

He is definitely worth to stay alive for. And all the shit I have fought through in the past three years when the fatigue hit and the Pain Days joined in as well, it was worth it. I am not just doing this whole endeavour for me, I am also doing this for a little boy who loves – and NEEDS! – his silly Auntie. 🙂

I know, I repeat myself here, but the little man is too adorable for his own good, and I love spending quality time with him. It’s a strong bond we have already, and I am really glad that he wants me in his life. Again, as I’ve said, he could, due to the distance and me not being there a lot, decide that I am not worthy of his attention whatsoever, but as the saying goes – “Distance makes the heart grow fonder.” And this whole relationship I have with him is a wonderful proof for that.

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