… a little Jellybean of confidence

This is the face you make when you’re going through a relapse.

After all those years, I have come to accept that the Road to Recovery is not a straight line, but a long and winding one.  What I need the most these days is time. Time to heal and get back on track. And I am taking that time. Rushing into something would make things only worse.

The things that I am mostly doing are listening to music (I am, admittedly, on a total NIGHTWISH kick right now, blasting them pretty much daily, because, you know, Ocean Soul, my blog’s namesake …) and watching a documentary called “100% Julian Edelman” religiously.

Yeaaaaahhhh, I know, I know … But! It’s a wonderful distraction from the raging chaos in my mind. It gives me something to hold on to. And as I have stated in an earlier entry Julian Edelman is a huge inspiration for me. Always the underdog, taking the long road via Junior / Community College (San Mateo) to a mediocre (at best) Kent State University, it never once crossed his mind that he would not make it to the big show that is the NFL. He had the dream and the belief that he was going to play at the pinnacle of American Football, all the way to winning three Super Bowls with the Patriots and becoming MVP of SBLIII, and he relentlessly went for it.

So yeah. The documentary. It essentially chronicles his way back after an ACL tear which he had sustained in a pre-season game vs the DETROIT LIONS back in August 2017 and how freakishly hard he worked to come back. The surgery. Rehab and recovery process. All the bits and bobs that went with it. The pain. The ups and downs. The progresses, however small. (The headline of this entry is actually a quote from the documentary, fyi.)

There were moments in the documentary where I had to giggle (e.g. Tom Brady finally makes an appearance and he’s tagged with WORK FRIEND on screen, like …), others which made me think, and some where you can see him holding back tears. Also, his relationship with his Dad, Frank, plays a very important role in the whole thing, as his Dad would coach Jules when he was younger, and then also again during the suspension (and no, I will NOT allow you to slander JE11 on here because of that – he screwed up, made a mistake and on we go. GTFO with your dislike! 😉 ). However, once word got out that Jules was going to be suspended for four games due to some PEDs, he and his Dad did not communicate for 81 days – and they usually talk daily. This made me think. Because sometimes, you just need that “tyme” on your own, to figure things out. Even if you’re in a lonely spot then (by choice, mind you), you just need it.

I got a lot of positivity and also … HOPE … from the documentary. Hope that things can and will get better, even if it’s gonna be a long fucking road. Setbacks and relapses included, and I am going through those right now. So I am doing things which bring me joy, and that is, like I’ve mentioned, watching this documentary again and again. Because JULES and him being some kind of role model and inspiration for me. He teaches me time and again what is possible when you just never give up, but keep fighting. And that’s what I am doing. I’ve been knocked down more times than I can count, and yet, I have always gotten back up – this is MY little Jellybean of confidence: I. GOT. THIS. I won’t let it break me, even if the battle against mental illnesses is a tough one. I will just need time. As the man himself likes to say:


Which I have kind of adopted as some sort of mantra to get me through this.

There were several other wonderful quotes in the documentary which reminded me so much of my own life, and I was like, “Yes, this!” because I could relate to what was said. Life has no perfect plan in store for us, but I am doing my best to make the most of it, even if there are days when I barely get out of bed. I have a lot of things that still bring me joy, make me smile, happy even, so I keep doing those things to find some peace. To calm the storm inside for a while. No, it isn’t easy. But it is worth it to keep going.

Especially since I still have dreams I would love to fulfil and turn into a reality. Bucket List, ya know?

One of those is, obviously, meeting Jules one day and having a chat with him about how much he is motivating, inspiring, me to keep up the fight, to face my inner demons and not let them win.  I know, it may sound super cheesy, but it is the truth. Finding inspiration in something or someone is nothing to be ashamed of (for the lack of a better word), on the contrary. It’s necessary.

While I at this point have no definite idea how to pull it off to actually do get to meet him, but I keep hoping that it will happen one day. Just you wait! 😉 As his parents also state in the documentary – Jules can do anything once he sets his mind to it, so I have this goal: meet him, talk to him and give him a big ole hug. And I am determined to make this happen!

So yeah. The documentary about JE11 is something that simply happened at the right place and right time for me. Being in a slump (although I had a bit of a better phase a couple of weeks ago), it gives me hope for better days, for what is possible if you just don’t give up but follow your dreams. What you can achieve with the right mindset and tell the doubters “Nope!” on the way. Prove them wrong. Don’t ever count JE11 out.

I am just thankful that Julian Edelman is out there with his unbreakable spirit and relentless mindset, his personality, his entire being, and that he’s giving me something to hold on to, to pull through this, to weather the storm, that it’s worth fighting for something.

Even if he doesn’t know about it – yet. But maybe, hopefully, he will one day!

screenshot: Yours Truly; “100% Julian Edelman”



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