Atonement

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While I was writing down my most recent adventure in my journal on Tuesday evening, a thought popped up in my head:

“I sometimes can’t fully believe what kind of adventures I am allowed to experience. It’s almost as if fate was sending me some kind of atonement* for all the shit I’ve been through.”

The more I thought about it, the more truth there is to it. The past year was really rough on me, anxiety was super-high most of the time. Fatigue held me firmly in its claws. The Road to Recovery is still very long and winding. But there are those moments in which I realize that it’s worth to put up the fight and tell my ever-so-faithful companions Depression and Anxiety to take a seat in the very back.

No matter if it’s yet another awesome concert (that being said – BAND! needs to stop being such a tease about their new album and release that bad boy already! *grabby hands*) in which I feel the drums pounding through my body, in synch with my heartbeat. Being alive. Getting lost in the music. Interacting with YOUR band. Yeah, it can get a bit rowdy there with the crowd surfing and all, but hello, it’s still a place where I can LIVE my life.

Or another sports related adventure. While I had to give up stadium visits for health reasons (tentatively planning a little comeback vs Cologne and/or Augsburg later this month), there are still other options for me in which I can at least have some sports related fun (as opposed to just watch via stream or on TV).

Just like on Monday when I was waiting for my favorite hockey player, James Sheppard, again as I wanted him to sign something for me. Little did I know what kind of surprise was waiting for me, when he walked out of the venue: he had his family in tow, and when he signed a puck for me, his Dad pointed at my beanie (San Jose Sharks, of course) and said, “Look at this!” The next thing I know is that I am standing there, talking to his parents, and wondering if this is the real life or if I had died and gone to Heaven. That “Shep” and his Dad asked for my pen so that Shep could sign his Dad’s jersey was also yet another hilarious moment which is forever edged on my memory.

I thrive on situations like that. Just being in the right place at the right time – and the magic happens. The aforementioned atonement which I so needed, and which also put that smile back on my face. A ray of hope, a silver lining on my usually dark/er sky. A sign that, even if it’s stormy now, it can’t rain forever. And if you’ve read my “About Me” page on here, you will have seen that my life motto is

“Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass; it’s about learning to dance in the rain.”

This, my life motto, is something I treasure immensely. Looking back at my life, and all the adventures in it, those moments in which I felt so alive, I am pretty convinced that there is some truth to the atonement as well. It’s like a redemption for never giving up even if I was drowing in stormy seas and seemed so far away from the shore that the rescue crew might come in too late.

But here I am. Doing MY thing. Embracing every moment in which I am reminded of the simple fact that in some occasions, dreams do come true and that it is worth fighting for them. That we have to go through hardships in order to really appreciate the good times. It may take a while, but the cheer up is tremendous. And a nice little “Eff you!” to depression to let that sucker know that it won’t ALWAYS win.

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pic: mine
*Definition: atonement

noun
1.

satisfaction or reparation for a wrong or injury; amends.

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