In a time and age where legit everyone and their distant cousin seems to be available 24/7, I have found out that I am actually stressed out with the constant availability. No matter which medium, but folks seem to kinda demand an instant reply whatsoever. And frankly …
It has become an absolute pet peeve of mine if someone messages me and basically wants me to reply within a margin of a second after I have received their message. What makes matters even worse: if you messaged me on FB, and I have already seen the notification, THERE IS NO FUCKING NEED TO TAG ME ON TWITTER about it as well! For crying out loud! No, it’s not funny, on the very contrary.
Same for this one person who once texted me on Whatsapp. Background: I had a very short night on little sleep and had to get up early for some appointment or another. I was barely back home, dog tired and ready for a nap, when they sent me a text: “May I call you? I have an urgent question …”
And instead of waiting for me to reply – mind, I had only *just* read their message -, they had the nerve to call me. I declined because that clearly ain’t it, fam. Just gimme at least a second to type a reply and not just call me!
It drives me up the fucking wall how people can be so utterly entitled to expect me (or anyone else) to instantly reply. Seriously.
Contrary to popular belief, I am not attached to my phone or even though I appear to be online, I might be doing something else. Therefore, there is no need to go, “Hey! I just sent you a message on FB! lol” within five seconds of me receiving it. Like, can we not? Can we just give our conversational partner a fucking moment to react? Thank you.
It’s, after all, also a matter of respect of the other person’s boundaries.
Even more so, if the other person happens to be neurodivergent, as in: they’re autistic, have ADHD, depression, anxiety or whatever else. Or they’re going through something difficult at any given point. Or aren’t in the mood. Just. Fucking. Happens.
The last you should do is pestering them and demanding their attention and/or an immediate reply when they need a moment or two to themselves. It’s not impolite, it’s their need in that moment.
So if I don’t reply to your message immediately, it’s because I am not in the mood, am busy, or simply not well and need my spoons for myself. I honestly feel pressurized if you bombard me with messages, ask a bazillion questions (which, in addition, makes me feel uncomfortable), and basically demand I reply immediately. No. That’s not how it works on my end. Also, if I give you an answer that may not be satisfying to you, but is all I wanna say about whichever topic, you have to respect that, too, and not continue prying. I’ll just distance myself then.
Since we’re on the topic of “setting boundaries”:
If you see me with my headphones and I am totally immersed in myself – DO NOT talk to me, start a conversation whatsoever. There is a reason why I am wearing headphones, and that is NOT for YOU to chat me up. It’s a moment to myself, to be all introspective, shut out the outside world and its constant noise. Also when I am listening to music and creating something: it’s a NO. Introverts need those moments to regroup, to recharge, and being constantly talked to, having your personal space broken into whatsoever is actually not very cool. On the very contrary. It’s …rude.
So, essentially:
Headphones on –> I need a bit of peace and quiet, please and thanks.
An example of that would also be when I am out and about, listening to music, maybe also texting someone to arrange a meet-up, letting them know I was on the way, and you’re one of those aggressive marketing folks who want to force people to spend their money on whichever charity organization, and I am not reacting, then it won’t change anything if you’re like, “Heeeey, I am talking to you! Don’t ignooooooore me if I am already standing here!”
Yes, I fucking WILL! Because it’s actually ME who decides if I wanna talk to you, d’oh!
(Don’t get me wrong, I know they’re only doing their job, and payment is connected to how many people they can reel in that day, but if someone is not reacting, you leave them fucking be and stop being a pest, kthxybe.)
Bottom line is, setting boundaries is self-care, too. And necessary. Especially when you need a break and a couple of moments to yourself. In the past, I was often made feel guilty if I said “No” or set a boundary. Oftentimes, these boundaries were all walked over and ignored. But in the course of the years, I have learned to be much firmer and not give in even if it may disappoint the other person. I decide if I wanna talk, react, message …in that very moment. Not you.
I know, it’s tempting to basically demand the other person’s reaction within a very short time frame due to the electronic gadgets at hand. But no one is obliged to. And I wish more people would understand and respect that. If you’re stressing me about something, I assure you it’ll backfire at some point. Like the incident with the “May I call you?” and instead of waiting for my response just going ahead and calling me shows. Give the other person a moment, even if it may take some hours, actually. But don’t just expect them to heed your call the second you’re finished. You never know what they’re going through.
*****
GIF: from giphy.com
Ocean Soul 